Terrified to Lose again.

Well, I recently started school again. I'm a junior in high school now so...time is really of the essence in terms of graduating and figuring out life after high school. Needless to say, I have a feeling that I might be behind my classmates when it comes to at least having a few universities in mind. I honestly still have no clue what or where I'm going. I want to do a lot of things after I graduate high school. Most of the stuff may sound random and kiddish, but you know...I'm kind of a random eccentric person. haha One thing I know for sure is that I want to be a film director and have some sort of career in music as well. That's besides the point though.What I really want to talk about is the fact that I've only been back to school for about 2 days and I already feel that another battle will have to be fought this year.

I'm going to try to explain what I'm feeling and what is going on without really making it obvious just in case anyone I know reads it. Even though I know they probably won't...hopefully. There's always that slight chance. haha Okay so there are two parts to the sort of dilemma that I'm starting to face. First of all if you don't know this about me, out of all the core subjects in school (science, L.A, Math, Social studies) Language arts/English/Literature Is a favorite of mine. It is a subject that I personally enjoy. Since I enjoy it so much, I wanted to take a more advanced class for it. So, I signed up for an Advanced Literature class. Typically you should take Composition before literature, but the teacher left...so I just decided to do it. Even though it might not be the best choice, but I feel like I can do it. The only problem is "someone" who barely even knows me, thinks I can't. Yeah...not only does a someone (who doesn't even know how much I've been planning to take the course) think I can't do it, but I also feel like an under-dog. All my peers in the class are some of the most intelligent. Myself? Well, yes I'm not a complete bimbo, but I have a feeling that any hint of intelligence doesn't really reflect from my behavior. I mean...I don't know. haha I compare myself to a stoner with no weed. haha This feeling of being an under-dog has been a re-occurring feeling for awhile. I guess I might not have enough confidence that I can/am actually as good as my peers. Relating this back to the title, I guess I'm sort of scared that in trying to prove to people that I can do it I might fail, not do as good as I want, or maybe throughout the year I may get lower grades than everyone else or something. I'm basically a bit scared that not only will the little confidence that I have be challenged, but my emotional state will not be that great either. I don't like feeling horrible. No one does. I mean I feel that I'm one step away from Donnie Darko status. It just takes that one push off of a cliff...if that makes any sense. haha

The second part of this has to do with not only the academic part of school, but also the social aspects and the more free part of high school, the non-cor/elective classes. Okay hopefully this part doesn't get me in trouble or lead to my own self-inflicted death. O_O Okay so I've kind of had trouble keeping friends throughout my life. I can make friends very easily..it's the keeping them that's hard. Different circumstances can cause people to grow apart or sometimes I guess...I feel it was just meant to be that way. Only recently have I kept the best friends I ever had pretty close to me for a while. Now I really hate losing friends. It really hit me hard in 7th grade when me and my best-friend split (luckily we're friends again now). Recently since this new school year started, I have started having these...weird paranoia type feelings that If I'm not careful the relationship I have with ym friends might change. I love all my friends there's now doubt about that. They are my fellow unicorn mafia members. haha I can't really reveal the other reasons why I feel that I need to make sure I'm careful with my friends because ...I just can't. Deal with it. O_O

Anyways those are two things that sort of hit me in the face within two days of the new school year. Hopefully they will just dissolve and not exist anymore. Hopefully. I don't know, I think my paranoia might be getting the best of me. Like I said...one step away from Donnie Darko status. haha  I'm sure all of this will just disappear.It is probably just a welcome back gift to my mind. "Hey there welcome back! Here's some stuff to mess with your sanity that is slowly slipping away!" O_O haha Okay that's all I have to say. Thanks for reading if you did. Just had to get that stuff off my chest.