A Year Of Empty Discovery

2013 and I haven't even made a blog post. It's already Febuary as well. Damn...

Anyways, on to the topic of discussion. Everyone always rejoices in the new year. They see it as a time to start over, a time to gain it all, a time to embark on a new journey. This year...feels like none of that to me. It might be because I'm a overly angsty teenager (which is the reason my friend gives me for everything I do or say) or because I feel a little trapped and stressed out. Finding motivation to do a lot of things is just slipping away. Technically, 2013 will be my last full year living with my family. Next year, I'll be graduating high school and moving on with life. A new door opening? Or a black hole opening. We'll see. All I know is..this whole life is not making any sense most of the time. I don't make sense to myself most of the time either....but on the upside, I started reading again.

We can thank J.R.R. Tolkien and Chuck Palahnuik for that.

Still, life is getting more and more empty. Being my age and in the situation I'm in, I'm expected to be noting more than a test score. That's what it feels like at least....Almost every class I take is training me for some sort of test. Of course I have SATs coming up and AP exams as well....so yeah I do kinda need to focus on tests, but I don't want to just be a test score. People train to take tests, they don't follow what they love...st least that is what it seems. Even when I perform musically...all I feel is that I'm a product. They market me off in a pretty package and never want me to find myself. I don't want to just grow up, learn, work and die. I'm not even the true me, I'm everything I've been trained to be. What's the point of it all anyways? It reminds me of the end of the movie American Psycho...

"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there."

I feel like I myself am an illusion...and I'm simply not here. Ahh, but oh well....a year of self discovery this may be for me. We'll see....